Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Note to self about being so depressing. How stupid of me to start trusting, believing again.

I hate that I'm so emo, fragile, so weak nowadays. I hate it that I'm not the girl I used to be, strong, the girl who cant be fucked, who does not give a damn about stuff. Well maybe sometimes depression is a sign that I've been strong for too long. But I sound weak, dark. and I hate that I'm not as bubbly, not as funny, and I cant cheer people up anymore. I realize, how easy it is to tell people what to do and say its easy but when it comes to me now only I realize, how fucking hard it is. The worst thing is, I cant help myself when I need help, and I'm out there everyday giving advice to people and pretending its easy. But its not. Heck no. I have to start growing up, I have to stop living in my own superficial world where superhero's still exists and the only hurt you get is from falling down the bicycle. In the real word, there is no fucking superhero's. I have to stop all this shit. My brain says yes, but my heart says no. I cant tear away. There's still this small part of me, somehow, annoyingly, thats still hanging on, and I hate it.

No, Elena, No.

In figments of my imagination, somehow everything is going my way, somehow I'm not emo, I was the happiest child on earth, and that I could continue to be frivolous. But those were merely figments of my own imagination, voices in my head. I have to stop living in that. Stop all this nonsense. I keep telling myself, do what you preach! Be strong, dont cry. I could, but I wonder, for how much longer can I keep this charade up? For how much longer can I hang on? For how much longer can I keep holding on to this thin thread? Until it snaps, and takes me with it when it crashes on the ground? Or do I try, struggle, to climb up the tread, even if it may hurt me in the end?

Like they said, it would never hurt you unless it happened to you.

Everytime my friends tell me about shit I always think, I'm glad I ain't you. Or this would be shit if it happened on me, and I would never be able to understand her hurt, her pain fully. Now I do. I shall stop laughing and calling you guys losers, sorry.

Friends? Oh you mean those pretentious bastards or those who cared once upon a time?

Why is it so hard to stop, so hard to stop being emo, so hard to just let loose of everything and not have a care in the world. I bet everyone in the world wishes they were like that too, but we couldn't get everything we wish for, could we? The world wont be so fucked up if we could. I have to stop this, I have to stop being so weak, so fragile, cheer up, because I know clearly now that nobody really cares if you're feeling fucked up or not, at least nobody REALLY cares. They say they do, but trust me, they dont. Nobody is going to love me, as much as I love myself. To think I really care and worry, bullshit. I'm scoffing at my own stupidity. Absurd, simply absurd. I feel like I'm going back into that shell, that armor I put around me to prevent myself from getting hurt, but I learnt my lesson. Coming out of that shell just hurt me again. I shall just go back to fucking friendships, because from what I see, friendships end way too fast, the feelings fade, way too fast. Time does not stop for anyone. Neither does the world.

Suck it up and live it it.

Lesson taken, lesson learnt. No point being emo, no point being sad, no point exposing myself to the brink that I feel so weak when I used to be the strongest around. I just have to go back to they way I was. Not giving a damn. But could I? I could. I would. I can never belive anyone who says their here to help anymore. With the type of friends I have, well no. I can bluntly, blatantly say, no. I hoped, I wished, it all brought me crashing down to the ground. So fuck this shit, I'm not going to be the same when you see me next time. No more being emo. Enough. I can take this, one at a time. I can go back to the time I never got hurt. I just have to cut, them all off. I stopped the songs that explain how emo I felt, I tried to stop looking. I tried to stop talking. I just need this extra push. Dont ask me whats wrong and how you could help because you cant. Its all bullshit. You wont get it, nobody can even understand me. I shall put out that shield that was protecting me before. Go back to fake smiles, going back to pretending to be strong. And hopefully one day, I can regain all the strength that I've lost in this battle. Enough being so depressed over myself. Enough. Its not worth it. All the thoughts, all the quarrels. I cant belive I was so stupid as to have faith in everything again, to think that some people actually care. How stupid.

Stop, Elena, stop.

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